"Tears Ran Down my Face"

"The headline reveals what has been happening inside me for the past two days. I’m writing now because I can’t keep it all inside anymore, I can't suppress what I’ve done.
I was in my 11th week + 4 day, it was my life, inside me, which made itself known at every opportunity. Whether through nausea that lasted all day, or the pulling in my stomach as it grew inside me. Or the sudden aversion to things like coffee or a glass of champagne on the weekend with my friends.
I had to prepare for the operation. In the room, there were two beds. One for me, and in the other lay a young woman who had just woken up from anesthesia. I looked into her eyes. They were full of sorrow and guilt. I was searching for something that could tell me something. Like… stop. Don’t do it. But she turned away. I got changed, and they came to get me. That room, so sterile. The smell of disinfectant. The silence. I was so scared. I lay on the table. An ultrasound was done. I turned away, tears ran down my face. The anesthesia was administered intravenously, and I started crying. The nurse held my hand, stroked it. I held it very tightly.
When I woke up and was able to respond, I murmured something about pain. The nurse who was with me said I had already received double the usual dose. She said that it was all in my head. My feelings hurt, and that’s how I felt these unbearable pains. She told me that the first thing I asked after I woke up was, 'Is my baby dead now?" I had cried and trembled. She said, 'You didn’t want the abortion, I’m so sorry.'
Since that day, I have been crying. I ask questions. Did my baby feel pain? Was it afraid? Where is it now? Did it have a soul?"